Face to Face

I never cease to be amazed at how poorly Christians handle hurt feelings and perceived slights within the church. Judging from my own experiences over the years and from what I hear from other pastors, it must be a widespread problem.

Churchgoers, consider whether this sounds familiar: Christian A (insert here pastor, Sunday school teacher, deacon, choir director, the person in the next pew, etc.) offends Christian B. Rather than discussing the situation with Christian A, Christian B grumbles to others.

What we're trying to avoid, with Jesus' help.

What we’re trying to avoid, with Jesus’ help.

Christian B’s confidants then mumble those grumbles to still others. Emotional and spiritual wounds fester, and the Christian love we’re supposed to feel for one another in church fades. Sometimes, factions even form.

It’s particularly disappointing because we have clear guidance from Jesus on the proper handling of even serious conflict among church members.

Jesus’ teaching, found in Matthew 18:15-20, is rooted in a situation where a sinful church member has in some way victimized another church member. And the situation doesn’t have to be as serious as you might think when you hear the word “sin.” It’s easy for us to classify offensive behavior in others as sinful when the words or actions simply stem from mild pride, selfishness or simple thoughtlessness. (Lord knows, those are three areas that get me into trouble.)

Here is Jesus’ recommended strategy:

Step 1: The wounded person should go to the offender and explain the problem. Implicit in this step is that there has been no griping to others about the wound inflicted. This step creates the potential for the problem to be resolved one-on-one, keeping bad feelings and misunderstandings from spreading.

Step 2: If Step 1 doesn’t bring reconciliation, the wounded person should involve one or two others in speaking to the offender. Discretion remains important, however. “One or two” means one or two, not five or fifteen. This step also acts as a corrective to someone who may be overreacting. If the wounded person cannot find one or two people who are willing to say, “Yeah, that sounds like a problem,” then a little reflection on what was said or done may be in order.

Step 3: If Step 2 does not bring the offender around, the wounded person takes the problem before the “whole church.” At this point, I should say that we have left the realm of dealing with simple disagreements or misunderstandings and are now dealing with a very serious situation, one probably involving blatant sin. Most reasonably organized denominations have a procedure for Step 3 and also Step 4, which involves the temporary or permanent removal of an unrepentant offender from the church.

It’s been my experience that when Christians practice this scriptural model in a loving way, situations that have triggered hurt feelings are quickly resolved at Step 1. Mature Christians are horrified to realize they’ve wounded a sister or brother in some way.

I realize it’s not always easy to talk to certain people, particularly if the offended person has a more shy and quiet personality and the offender is louder or more authoritarian. As I think about how accessible I am to others, I try to keep in mind something my wife, Connie, once told me: “You have got to learn that you frighten children and small animals.” And because some people find pastors a little intimidating, I always welcome anyone offended by me to bring someone along for support during the conversation.

Adults in Christian community owe it to each other to first discuss our hurt and confusion with the one who caused it—we’re talking about a behavior that keeps us unified, allowing the Holy Spirit to work among the church more effectively. As Jesus said, “If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.”

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